I apologize up front that this is a long post.  In the future, I’ll try not to bottle up 3 months worth of emotions and happenings and then dump them out to you in 1 really long post.

It’s funny frustrating how easy it is to let the way I feel about myself be determined by the size of my pants.  And while I’m not happy with the way I look right now, I’ve realized something important.  Fat isn’t a size.  For me, it’s a feeling…and a feeling I don’t like.

Before you start thinking I’m crazy, let me explain.

Three years ago, I weighed 30 pounds more than I currently weigh.

As I was losing weight, I remember being pretty happy when I hit the weight I’m at now.  I remember going shopping for some of the things I’m currently wearing.

Then I lost more weight.

Last September I weighed nearly 50 pounds less than I weigh now.  I absolutely loved the way I looked in my clothes.  It was so nice to be able to go into any store and find cute clothes that fit.

After Maui, I slacked off a little on my eating, but I wasn’t super worried.  I was still exercising regularly.   My weight stayed pretty constant til around Thanksgiving.

In December, my fitness routine got derailed.

I performed in a Christmas musical that consumed my first week of December.  I didn’t get  home from our performances til late at night and the idea of waking up at 5 to head to the gym didn’t sound appealing.

Near the end of that, our newest daughter moved in.  She had moved to America from Afghanistan and needed a safe loving home.  We were happy to provide that, but the addition of a new family member meant more change in routine.

To make a long story short, I only worked out 1 day in December after our new daughter moved in.

We traveled over Christmas and as January approached, I looked forward to getting back to the gym and getting my eating back on track.  My workout partner and I committed to doing Insanity starting in January.

I only made it through 2 days of Insanity and then I was hit with horrible vertigo.

And although 9 weeks have passed, the vertigo has not gone away.  I’ve seen my family doctor, 2 ENTs, a refloxologist, and a chiropractor.

Day to day living is difficult….working out is impossible.

And so I’ve packed on the pounds.

I now can only fit into my “fat” clothes.  And while these at one time were my “skinny” clothes, there is something discouraging about fitting into them because I’ve gained weight rather than because I’ve lost weight.

All that to say this: Fat isn’t a size.  It’s not a number on the scale.  Fat is a feeling…and it’s an ugly one.  It’s a feeling that tells me I’m not worth it.  “Fat” tells me I’d be prettier if I wore smaller clothes. “Fat” tells me people would like me more if I weighed less.

But the reality is…Fat LIES!

The truth is this…I’m worth it…no matter what the scale says, no matter what size my jeans are.